07 January 2010

Tiger Woods to Convert to Islam

Obama’s plan for Sharia Law may benefit someone. Swiped from the Gunny G Blog.
In a stunning new development, the Tiger Woods legal team has unveiled an ingenious strategy to help the randy golfer avoid the rough in his recent marital problems and possibly skip a financial bloodbath. The answer is surprisingly found in the doctrines of Muslim Shari’ah law. This solution presented itself when Obama czars and other legal gurus, such as “Papa” Cass Sunstein, and Harold “Koo-Koo” Koh suggested importing Muslim law into America. Intrigued, legal experts across the gamut now agree Muslim laws on marriage make perfect sense for the indefatigable romeo Tiger Wood and his web of female relationships, claiming it will also play well to the gallery.

With the Obama Administration’s relentless march to universalize American law along global standards, it seems like a very heady time for Wood’s team to make a play on this bold maneuver. Tiger’s legal squad has brought in several prominent Muslim doctors of law to advise on the implications of Islamic teachings on the subject of his marriage and multiple other dangerous liaisons. Mike Tyson is also flying in to offer advice and support.
The following are the findings and recommendations of these august Muslim divines:


First, and most essentially – Tiger Woods’ must come out and publicly proclaim he is in fact a Muslim convert. This will immediately and legally put Tiger under the teachings of Muhammad, and allow him to follow the founder of Islam’s prescient example of polygamy. Apparently, Mohammad also boasted a world-class drive, having somewhere between 10 and 20 wives. Announcing his conversion via a TV news conference, preferably between rounds at the Riyadh Classic, would be an excellent approach to be able to stress the authenticity and sincerity of his conversion. He might enlarge here upon his Road to Damascus narrative to explain his epiphany. Doing so in native Middle Eastern garb, say in a tunic or a classic turban would be seen as a tasteful decision, while several authorities stressed that Woods’ donning a Burqa would be “a big mistake.”
Most intriguingly,
even if Tiger’s use of Shari’ah law were blocked by US courts, he could still position himself for a comeback. In classic Muslim law doctrine, Shari’ah has global application to all Muslims at all times, no matter where in the world they reside. In fact, it wouldn’t matter if Tiger was living in the States when all his testosterone-fired scores occurred, he would still be covered. This means Woods’ does not need to get stuck in the high grass of American law, whatsoever.


The most obvious advantage of conversion to Islam for Tiger is the doctrine of polygamy. Marriage in Islam is Nikah, a word synonymous with polygamy. In fact, the idea that betrothal is defined by monogamy is foreign to Muslim law, despite the fact that many marriages in Islam are solitary unions (normally for the husband’s lack of funds to support more wives). For this reason, the Western concept of Adultery does not exist under Shari’ah law, and therefore can’t be used as a basis for subsequent legal action by a wife. This is because no single woman ever has exclusive rights to a Muslim man under the law. To the contrary, a Muslim woman has no such excuse, and her indiscretions with other men are harshly punished, even up to death by stoning, as grievous religious dereliction.
This lack of adultery as a category certainly would help Tiger, from the first stroke of the game. One can even envisage Woods giving a press conference, along with an imam, as a teaching exercise, explaining these helpful facts. In terms of open-mindedness on potentially marriageable partners, it doesn’t hurt that Mohammad wed his stepson’s wife, after outlawing adoption for all times, and also wed a girl somewhere between the ages of 5 and 7, who grew up to become his favorite date, after she hit puberty, of course.
In Islam, a man may marry up to four wives at a time, if he believes he can treat them all equally. Certainly this doctrine offers a grand slam benefit to Tiger, who has been credibly linked to enough ladies to provide a new partner for each of 18 holes. In fact, his great wealth will give the presumption of equal treatment for all. Of course this Quranically excessive number would seem to create legal problems, but with some clever Muslim jurisprudential advice, there are blessed strategies which can address this seeming technical violation of female abundance (see below).
In general, marriage in Islam is not a sacrament, but a simple civil ceremony, and no religious official or language is needed to solemnize the event. Instead, Muslim marriage is a simple contract that can be entered into and dissolved at the drop of a hat, or unwinding of a turban, as the case may be. Again, the lack of a religious component here can only aid Tiger’s attempts to get a fair shot rehabilitating his tattered image.


For many traditional Muslim men, being allowed just four(!) wives could be a depressant to the libido (although, conversely it could prove a bargain for reducing inter-wife domestic disputes). But fortunately there are various options that can open the door to more female ministrations This may prove especially helpful to Tiger Woods (who deeply resents being termed “caddy” over his extramarital forays). First, and most helpfully, while an upstanding Muslim may have only four(!) wives at any one time, there is theoretically no limit to how many spouses that can be married, as long as the others have been divorced to make room for the up-and-comers (see below). In this case, at any time, Tiger may call for a “mulligan,” or a do-over, by dumping and replacing an unwieldy spouse.
Second, there is an institution in Islam of great antiquity called “Temporary Marriage,” or “Nikah al-Mut’ah.” A Temporary Marriage can last anywhere from an hour to 99 years. Even better, the admitted purpose of Mut’ah, according to the Dictionary of Islam, is for sexual fulfillment of the male, which plays splendidly into Woods’ current situation. And there is no maximum number of Mut’ahs a righteous Muslim may enter into (note, whereas Sunnis have outlawed Mut’ah, the Shiahs still allow it; yet a “special arrangement” can still create the simulacrum of Mut’ah for a Sunni.)
Prostitution is also accepted widely in many places in the Muslim world, which could help Woods’ immediate troubles in New York, where he is supposedly under threat of arrest and prosecution for engaging a hooker for a fee. Here he would simply claim a cultural right to such actions, under the doctrine of Multiculturalism.
Yet one category of female lover out of classic Muslim law would probably not aid Tiger in marital troubles, and so he ought not bring it up. This is the concubine, or sexual slave. Under Shari’ah, a conquered people were allowed to be treated as objects. The men were normally executed, the women treated as concubines, and the children raised up as slaves as various types; giving a novel meaning to the phrase “booty of war.”


Certainly, the ideal situation now for Tiger would be for Mrs. Woods’ to become the Chief Wife of his household and director of his harem. But what if this tempestuous Swedish spitfire balks, or worse – slams another putter right between his Pepsodent smile?!! Divorce is an option for either spouse at this point, but eminently easier for Tiger than his lovely flaxen-haired bride. This is because of the doctrine of divorce or Talaq, by way of the Triple Repudiation.
In Muslim law, divorce of a man from one of his wives does not take a judicial ruling, or in fact any action by a court at all. It follows that Muslim law contains the most “no-fault” theory of divorce under any legal system. This is because the only action needed for an upstanding Muslim to divorce his wife is his reciting the Triple Repudiation, or reciting to his wife, “I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee”. If a Muslim husband recites all three to his wife, the effect is instantaneous, and universally binding, even if he were to immediately repent of his actions. And he cannot remarry her without her wedding and divorcing another man, first. But Mohammad sensitively encouraged waiting three ovulatory periods for possible reconciliation before the divorce was acted upon. (the three Tuhrs; Qur’an 2: 230)
Woods needs to be careful at this juncture, since the triple repudiation represents a real sand trap. If he repudiates his wife twice, as perhaps a scare tactic, were he accidentally to say it a third time, even playfully, it goes into affect, by ipsis verbis (as spoken, so done, via automatic writ), even if unintentional. This is because the Western judicial doctrine of intent, ie “mens rea” does not hold the same level of importance in Muslim law as it does in the Anglo-American legal tradition. For example, one can enter a marriage while fully intoxicated, and it still be binding under Shari’ah, so that intent or state of mind has no import under such a scenario. Talk about a wet hazard!
Ms. Woods also has a right to demand a divorce, although only for cause. This can occur either through mutual consent or by writ of court, but cannot happen via sheer verbal fiat. Ironically, the woman then has to pay the husband for right to divorce. This might hit Woods’ wife harder than a triple bogey.


Under cultural practice, a dower is properly given by the man to the woman to help cement a marriage, being a gift of cash or property. Under Muslim law it is ruled proper that upon dissolution of the marriage, the woman be allowed to keep this dower as her marital property. This works perfectly for Woods, who had already arranged such a gift and agreement in the form a prenuptial contract. Of course, Mohammad did richly encourage his followers to provide amply for their children, no matter who the mother might be, under the doctrine of Al-Nafaqah. But under Muslim law, Tiger will be best able to avoid his wife taking a large divot out of his fortune.


From an Islamic legal perspective, to make the best of his female relationships and to be most pleasing Muslim husband to Allah, Tiger should take these steps. First, declare himself a strict Muslim, most advisedly on TV with his legal team, wearing a tasteful hijab and holding a Qur’an. Second, he needs to pick a sect of Islam, which without a second thought should be the Shia’hs since they legally accept Temporary Marriages. Third, he ought to quickly begin negotiations, and settle which are the best girlfriend choices to become his official four wives. He might even arrange a sudden-death playoff for his squad. Then, work out quick agreements with the rest to enter into Temporary Marriages, and get them their payments and a signed contract, ASAP. Finally, the most delicate part of the whole operation must take place. Tiger must try to convince his wife of the beauty of Islam, and how he needs her help in running his empire and harem. Undoubtedly, you could have heard a pin drop when she first heard the news of his amorous activities. And if that doesn’t work, he should triply repudiate her, pay off her dowry, and move on as soon as possible, so he can kick Jack Nicklaus’ infidel rump and become Best Golfer Ever, in the name of Allah.


As anyone can easily see, the only logical option for Tiger Woods to take in dealing with his current female troubles is to convert to Islam. And the sooner, the better!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Obama's plan to introduce Sharia to America? Do tell!